Last week I received a daily digest from one of these groups and little did I know that with a simple click of the mouse my heart would feel something my mind has known for a long time but not truly processed.
My sweet, precious, amazing, loving, spunky, caring, giving, wonderful daughter was left to be found.
I've always known with China adoptions that the children are not given to a caregiver by the birth mother, birth father, family or friend. Sadly that is a fact with China adoptions. A child cannot be given over to another for adoption. A child is left to be found.
The daughter that I love more with every breath I take spent time alone. Waiting to be found.
This is the earliest known picture of my precious baby girl, taken sometime in the first weeks of her life.
Looking at this picture never ceases to take my breath away!
It was the picture below taken recently, and this article that somehow caused the fact of Hannah's beginning, to 'click.'
I think part of the revelation came with seeing this beautiful 'safe haven' that is newly constructed in Hebei province. As I looked at that picture I realized that there was a little baby in that bundle. A baby that had been carried within a birth mother's womb for 9 months and who now was being placed to be found.
The emotions that flooded over me and do again now as I write this are ones of such hurt for Hannah. A hurt that although I have no control over it, is very real. I can't deny it. And, I guess that the hurt that I feel will only be an iota of what she might feel.
I ache that Hannah had to spend even one single second alone. She was only a baby!!! I know some details of her finding but this information is left for her to share if and when she wants and with whomever she chooses to.
What I do know is that a 'safe haven' like this is not common in China and that it is not Hannah's beginning.
She was dressed warmly and bundled well but still, she was alone. How long was she there? Who was the person who found her? Was she crying? Was she sleeping? So many questions that we'll probably never have answers to.
Oh how I long to have these answers. A little bit for myself but most importantly for Hannah. Someday she will learn of her first days and the 'Mamma Bear' in me wants to protect her from everything she might feel.
And yet....I can't.
What I can do is be there for her. Be her 'safe haven' now that was not there for her at that time. Allow her to go through the emotions she needs to and support her through it all. Through the pain. The grieving. The anger. The tears. The questions and any other emotion she may feel.
Yes my precious Hannah XiaoFen. Mommy will be here through it all. And, while I cannot begin to imagine what your will go through, please know that I am here and loving you through it all.
I do believe that my sweet, precious, amazing, loving, spunky, caring, giving, wonderful daughter will come through this revelation a stronger person. But still, her life will be forever altered the day she fully grasps her beginnings. I believe the full realization of this is still some time away but it is coming.
So for now, I pray. I cry out to God already, asking Him to allow her to process this truth with the knowledge that as hard as this is to understand that she is safe, and loved and cared for and....forever home.
(In sharing this piece of my heart another revelation that I in my own hurt, had forgotten.)
May she find His peace in knowing that she was truly never alone...God was with her the entire time.
Hannah was NEVER ALONE! GOD was with her every moment!
Once again, a single moment in time has changed me. God never, ever left her side. (My heart knew this but my mind is just fully grasping it.)
You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139: 1-6 and 13-16
NEVER ALONE!!!
