Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Is She Born Yet?

So often lately, I find myself pondering this question. Numerous times a day if I was to be honest. I am probably within a couple of weeks of having my file logged with the China Center of Adoption Affairs (CCAA) and I've noticed that often the baby's birthdate seems to fall around LID's. It's so exciting yet somewhat sad at the same time.

Anyone who knows me knows that I've 'planned' on being a Mom my entire life. I had the awesome priveledge of being in the delivery room when my precious niece entered the world. If any TV show included a baby being born, I watched it. Hey, I even went to pre-natal classes and an ultrasound with a co-worker who's husband was out of town!

Now that it's getting closer to my own child being born I'm filled with a swirl of emotions.

Before myself, I place the precious woman who will have felt Hannah moving within her for the past 9 months. She will have to endure a delivery that will probably be 'natural.' (Trust me...not something I'd ever planned on doing! Can you say Epidural?) She will hear her first cries, feel her first breaths and touch her soft cheeks. She will have breasts that are full to feed a child that may already have been removed from her loving arms. How does one endure this and wake up the next day? How does she put one foot in front of the other and eventually go back to a sense of 'normalcy?' When does the heartache she will feel begin to ease, even a little?

I feel so helpless and sometimes even somewhat guilty. I know that this is the plan that God has for Hannah and I but, knowing how much I long to be a Mom, my heart aches for this precious woman who will always be my daughter's Birthmother. She will be a woman we speak fondly of and Hannah will always know how thankful I am for the most precious gift that this beautiful woman gave to me.

There is something else that crosses my mind. It saddens me that she will never know that her daughter will be growing up with a loving family, outside the orphanage walls. With so many children growing up in orphanages (somthing like 15,000,000 orphans in China at any given time) I would guess tha most children left must remain as orphans. It would be so wonderful for her to know that her little girl is ok and that she will be raised by a loving Mom and family in Canada. Part of China's process upon finding a child, is to place a 'Finding Ad' in the newspaper. Row upon row of beautiful little faces are displayed in the newspaper, providing information about their finding date and location and allowing parents the opportunity to reclaim their child. What must it be like to see the face of your child in the newspaper and know that there is nothing you can do to change things?

Dear Lord, As the time for Hannah's birth is drawing nearer, I pray you will comfort her Birthmother. Please wrap your loving arms around her and comfort her as I wish I could. Somehow, please let her know that her daughter will be loved and that you have a special plan for Hannah's life. Amen

For myself, will I feel something different that day? Will I somehow know the day that my beautiful daughter is born? Each time I think of her I wonder, 'Are you born yet my precious baby girl?' With referral times still lengthening it now appears it may be late spring or early summer of next year before we are brought together. Until that time Hannah, you're in Mommy's heart, prayers, thoughts and dreams! I love you baby girl!

1 comment:

  1. What a great post and a lovely poem! These are the same the things I've wondered for the past year as well and my heart is broken for 2 reasons: one for our daughter who we can't hold and love and two for the mother who can't do the same. I hope your wait is quicker than you expect. Our referral SHOULD be coming any day now and I am beyond controllable!


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