Initial Bonding - A Dad's Experience in China

The following is an entry from the blog, The Cady Chase. Scott and Karen are currently in China adopting their beautiful 16 month old daughter Cady! I enjoyed this post and learned so much from his entry that I asked Scott if I could copy it here for you to read and he graciously agreed. I hope you enjoy this post as much as I did and are able to learn something that might be new to you. Enjoy!

"People have asked about the bonding process, and how to help keep it even so that one parent is not excluded from the process. It absolutely varies for each child, but I will generalize a few things that I have learned that might help. These things work with a toddler level child, who has a very clear understanding of what's going on.

When we get our babies, we try to be oh so gentle. They are so precious, and we reach out slowly, touch softly, caress, gently hug, and even try to play very carefully. This was my habit when we got her, and though I would not change this behavior for the first day, when we were just trying to understand each other, but day two is a good time. This is a very different situation than raising a child from the womb, but think about any child from anywhere at this age. We grab, poke, wiggle, spin, dance, and we play hard. Add to this the fact that these children have been raised very abruptly. Never harshly mind you. I can attest to that. I have seen the orphanage, and I unless they painted the walls just for our visit, and told everyone in this very big building to be extra gentle with the children in case we walked in, then I can tell you that the people working here want every child to get through this. My point is that these kids are handled as children, not as priceless vases. Being treated too softly is totally alien to them.

I emphasize this though. Start softly, and build up fast. When we got Cady, she behaved like a 3 month old. That first few hours of bathing, dressing, and talking, she was in a near comatose state. She had no idea what was happening, and she was frightened. All she did was sit on the bed with us and looked around. She didn't move her arms or legs or anything. Soft was good. Within a few hours she was more like a 7 month old. At this point we didn't even know if she could walk. She was becoming curious about things, and would lean over to try to see things out of her line of sight. She noticed the stacking cups. She started exploring her toys. By the next day, she was more alert and moving around. We learned that not only could she walk all by herself, she was very good at it, and really enjoyed it.

If I could do it all over again, I would have started with a little more play appropriate to her age. Still softer than normal, but beginning to ramp it up a little. We didn't do this. We still treated her softly. In the end, and at this point, we have overcome and surpassed what we may not have gained on day two, but it made the day tougher than it had to be.

Another good tip that we learned just last night and have been working on ever since is that I think the child will always pick one parent and begin that bond. Where they are from they know many people, but they come to rely on only one. Just that one person for feeding, changing, playing, and being put to bed. They may not understand what this pair of people is supposed to be about. I personally feel that no matter what you do or how you do it, the child will pick one.

Now here's where it gets important. When the child has picked their parent, two things need to happen.

(1) First, that other parent needs to never stop trying. Grab that child and steal kisses. You bet she or he will cry, but you take them anyhow. Remember, we're retraining them that there is more than one now. Let the child cry, this is why most agencies recommend you spend time alone in the room together. These children will cry, and it will hurt you to the core. Take those hugs, and take those kisses. You and the child deserve them. Always keep it a game. Make lots of funny sounds, make wiggly airplane fingers and poke them in the belly with splashing or crashing sounds. Make your kisses really really loud. Pucker those lips, lean in squeaking, pop that kiss on the cheek, and move back really fast. I think actions that linger like holding the lips in too long or hugging too long seem to intimidate the child. I know that it kinda scared Cady so it was no longer mentally stimulating. This caused her to back off and resist. They will resist no matter what, but when it becomes fun, and a game, well guess what. I think this defines bonding.

(2) The chosen parent needs to take the things that helped the bonding start needs to begin sharing those things. When Cady first started attaching to me, I would grab her foot and kiss it, then I would grab a hand and kiss it, then I would pop a kiss on her cheek. She never even laughed or giggled at this. She just stared at me. Eventually she would lift her foot up really high so that I could kiss it. She would let me give it a kiss, and she would then pull it away really fast, then put a hand to my face and the same. Once we caught on to how to do this, I started sharing games with Karen. I would grab her hand and kiss it, then pull her hand over to Mommy to kiss it. She didn't like that at all, but we would try it a few times, then move on to something else. Later on we would try that game again, and maybe a new game. Cady already liked grabbing my thumbs and making me clap my hands. Karen would push her hands inside of that, and I would help Cady clap my hands really fast so we could catch Mommy's hands inside. This became a game that we all liked.

Even then, it was a very tough day. We had to do all of these things. There were times in which I had to pretend that I was not interested at all. She would come to my leg while sitting in the chair, and she wanted me to pick her up or play. I just pretended not to notice. It was hell, but then again, nobody said this was going to be easy.

This afternoon Karen found her little girl. I want to encourage her to write about it herself, but it was very special to me. I was helping Macy's parents with getting some images uploaded to a separate page so that they could share with their own families, and Karen took advantage of the moment, by playing with Cady in her own way. They played some games that Mommy thought up, and they did the things that girls liked, like playing with ribbons and bows in a fun way. They did very well together. I'm proud of Cady's new Mommy. She had the tougher part, and she worked very hard and overcame it, and I think we are very close to the balance that we wanted.

Another thing that I have learned is that it was 2 steps forward, and 1 step back. Every time this little girl went to sleep, we lost some ground. We had to start some things over, but this time it didn't take an hour of work, it took 15 minutes. Once again right now as I am typing this, I am partially ignoring my daughter so that she can learn that Mommy is right over there shaking her box of animal crackers. This time though, I can look down at her, smile at her, even talk to her. I just can't pick her up yet. You know what? She walked over to Mommy for those crackers. She brought them back over to me, but I am still typing. Don't come to China thinking this is a vacation. You're coming here to work and learn.

This has gotten very lengthy to write, and I do remind you, read this advice with caution. Orphanage or not, these children are every bit as individual as those in the United States. Your mileage on this advice will vary."