This batch of referrals covered 6 days (files logged December 9-14, 2005) which makes it 9 months in a row that referrals have been in the single digits. I decided that I needed to do what is best for me in preparing my heart for Hannah's referral and totally recalculate my 'guesstimation' date based on only the past 9 months and not the months prior to that when the CC*AA referred larger numbers. It was not an easy thing to do but I was finding that each of the previous months when I would recalculate using the larger numbers plus the current smaller ones, my heart would sink as my guesstimation date got further and further away. In turn, it was a tough couple of days each month as my heart adjusted to Hannah seemingly being further away rather than closer.
Using the new calculation I have decided to base my referral thoughts on 5.7 days of referrals per month. I am not asking you to do this; it's just what I need to do for myself. Because of this my current estimation of a referral would be May of 2009 with travel to meet her anticipated as July 2009. Yes it's a long, long way away but I have no doubt that she will be with every moment of the wait and that as always, God's timing will be perfect.
As I updated my sidebar tonight with these difficult new dates there was a silver lining faintly glistening. You know me...I may have to look hard to find it but I'll find the silver lining in most situations. Tonight it was a treat to change the number of LID's before me from triple digits into double digits. There are now 99 days of files to be matched before I receive Hannah's referral. Double digits...I'm into double digits! Considering at the time my file was logged in there were 303 days of files in front of me, 99 is a good thing!
Do I wish things were different? Oh man do I! I've already shed my share of tears thinking of sharing this Christmas and next without my daughter. But, I also know that God is in control and He gives a peace that I cannot explain...it's just there.
'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.' Philippians 4: 6,7
I don't know the reasons...but God does.
I don't know when...but God does.
I don't know how long...but God does
And I continue to trust and lean on Him.