A Simple Picture....

I am a member of a few adoption yahoo groups.  Some are active, some not so much.  I receive daily digests from these groups and often just scan them looking for something that may be of interest.

Last week I received a daily digest from one of these groups and little did I know that with a simple click of the mouse my heart would feel something my mind has known for a long time but not truly processed.

My sweet, precious, amazing, loving, spunky, caring, giving, wonderful daughter was left to be found. 

I've always known with China adoptions that the children are not given to a caregiver by the birth mother, birth father, family or friend.  Sadly that is a fact with China adoptions.  A child cannot be given over to another for adoption.  A child is left to be found.

The daughter that I love more with every breath I take spent time alone.  Waiting to be found.

This is the earliest known picture of my precious baby girl, taken sometime in the first weeks of her life. 

Looking at this picture never ceases to take my breath away!

It was the picture below taken recently, and this article that somehow caused the fact of Hannah's beginning, to 'click.'

I think part of the revelation came with seeing this beautiful 'safe haven' that is newly constructed in Hebei province.  As I looked at that picture I realized that there was a little baby in that bundle.  A baby that had been carried within a birth mother's womb for 9 months and who now was being placed to be found.

The emotions that flooded over me and do again now as I write this are ones of such hurt for Hannah.  A hurt that although I have no control over it, is very real.  I can't deny it.  And, I guess that the hurt that I feel will only be an iota of what she might feel.

I ache that Hannah had to spend even one single second alone.  She was only a baby!!!  I know some details of her finding but this information is left for her to share if and when she wants and with whomever she chooses to.

What I do know is that a 'safe haven' like this is not common in China and that it is not Hannah's beginning.

She was dressed warmly and bundled well but still, she was alone.  How long was she there?  Who was the person who found her?  Was she crying?  Was she sleeping?  So many questions that we'll probably never have answers to.

Oh how I long to have these answers.  A little bit for myself but most importantly for Hannah.  Someday she will learn of her first days and the 'Mamma Bear' in me wants to protect her from everything she might feel.

And yet....I can't.

What I can do is be there for her.  Be her 'safe haven' now that was not there for her at that time.  Allow her to go through the emotions she needs to and support her through it all.  Through the pain.  The grieving.  The anger.  The tears.  The questions and any other emotion she may feel.

Yes my precious Hannah XiaoFen.  Mommy will be here through it all.  And, while I cannot begin to imagine what your will go through, please know that I am here and loving you through it all.

I do believe that my sweet, precious, amazing, loving, spunky, caring, giving, wonderful daughter will come through this revelation a stronger person.  But still, her life will be forever altered the day she fully grasps her beginnings.  I believe the full realization of this is still some time away but it is coming.

So for now, I pray.  I cry out to God already, asking Him to allow her to process this truth with the knowledge that as hard as this is to understand that she is safe, and loved and cared for and....forever home.

(In sharing this piece of my heart another revelation that I in my own hurt, had forgotten.)

May she find His peace in knowing that she was truly never alone...God was with her the entire time.

Hannah was NEVER ALONE!  GOD was with her every moment!

Once again, a single moment in time has changed me.  God never, ever left her side.  (My heart knew this but my mind is just fully grasping it.)

You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain. 

For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be. 

Psalm 139: 1-6 and 13-16

NEVER ALONE!!!

A crying shame: China's lost baby girls

This article brought me to tears more than once as I read and reread it today.

Some of what was written, others choose not to tell their daughters. I tell Hannah because I believe in my heart of hearts it is true. Hannah was loved by her birthmother and that is what she will learn from me now, and in the years to come. My heart tells me it's true and I believe it. She carried my daughter within her for 9 months, gave birth to her and then left her somewhere safe and warmly dressed, to be found. Yes, Hannah, your birthmother loved you and Mommy loves you more than I can express!!

The article reads, 'She assures adoptive children they were loved. “Your life is given to you by two mothers, you are lucky,” Xinran says. “Your birth mother must have been a good woman. (She was) against traditional rules . . . This is why you have a life. I want to give this message to the adoptive mother, too, how much Chinese moms want to thank you.”

That last sentence was one of many that caused the tears to flow. It has crossed my mind over the years of waiting and now home with Hannah, 'What would her Chinese Mother think of me taking her from China and raising her in Canada?' As much as I know this is the plan God has for Hannah and I, I've often wondered if her Chinese Mother would understand? Xinran has spoken to many, many Chinese women who gave their daughters up and to hear that these precious women are thankful for the adoptive moms, brings peace to my heart.

Even though Hannah just turned 2, I already talk with her about her Chinese mother. Most of this 'conversation' happens during our bedtime prayers as I pray for this beautiful woman (I know she is beautiful....Have you seen the amazing baby girl she gave birth to?!!) I pray for peace in her heart. A peace that only God can provide. I pray that He will whisper to her heart that her daughter is ok; that she is loved beyond measure and cared for and that she gave a gift unlike any other. First and foremost though, I pray for her salvation. May she have an opportunity to come to know Jesus as her own personal Lord and Saviour. I pray this for her sake but also if I were honest, I'd say it's for selfish reasons too. I have to admit part of this prayer is so that someday if not here on earth, then later in Heaven, I could watch the precious reunion between a mother and a daughter.

The reunion of a baby girl who was blessed beyond measure to have not just one mother, but two!