Last week I received a daily digest from one of these groups and little did I know that with a simple click of the mouse my heart would feel something my mind has known for a long time but not truly processed.
My sweet, precious, amazing, loving, spunky, caring, giving, wonderful daughter was left to be found.
I've always known with China adoptions that the children are not given to a caregiver by the birth mother, birth father, family or friend. Sadly that is a fact with China adoptions. A child cannot be given over to another for adoption. A child is left to be found.
The daughter that I love more with every breath I take spent time alone. Waiting to be found.
This is the earliest known picture of my precious baby girl, taken sometime in the first weeks of her life.
Looking at this picture never ceases to take my breath away!
It was the picture below taken recently, and this article that somehow caused the fact of Hannah's beginning, to 'click.'
I think part of the revelation came with seeing this beautiful 'safe haven' that is newly constructed in Hebei province. As I looked at that picture I realized that there was a little baby in that bundle. A baby that had been carried within a birth mother's womb for 9 months and who now was being placed to be found.
The emotions that flooded over me and do again now as I write this are ones of such hurt for Hannah. A hurt that although I have no control over it, is very real. I can't deny it. And, I guess that the hurt that I feel will only be an iota of what she might feel.
I ache that Hannah had to spend even one single second alone. She was only a baby!!! I know some details of her finding but this information is left for her to share if and when she wants and with whomever she chooses to.
What I do know is that a 'safe haven' like this is not common in China and that it is not Hannah's beginning.
She was dressed warmly and bundled well but still, she was alone. How long was she there? Who was the person who found her? Was she crying? Was she sleeping? So many questions that we'll probably never have answers to.
Oh how I long to have these answers. A little bit for myself but most importantly for Hannah. Someday she will learn of her first days and the 'Mamma Bear' in me wants to protect her from everything she might feel.
And yet....I can't.
What I can do is be there for her. Be her 'safe haven' now that was not there for her at that time. Allow her to go through the emotions she needs to and support her through it all. Through the pain. The grieving. The anger. The tears. The questions and any other emotion she may feel.
Yes my precious Hannah XiaoFen. Mommy will be here through it all. And, while I cannot begin to imagine what your will go through, please know that I am here and loving you through it all.
I do believe that my sweet, precious, amazing, loving, spunky, caring, giving, wonderful daughter will come through this revelation a stronger person. But still, her life will be forever altered the day she fully grasps her beginnings. I believe the full realization of this is still some time away but it is coming.
So for now, I pray. I cry out to God already, asking Him to allow her to process this truth with the knowledge that as hard as this is to understand that she is safe, and loved and cared for and....forever home.
(In sharing this piece of my heart another revelation that I in my own hurt, had forgotten.)
May she find His peace in knowing that she was truly never alone...God was with her the entire time.
Hannah was NEVER ALONE! GOD was with her every moment!
Once again, a single moment in time has changed me. God never, ever left her side. (My heart knew this but my mind is just fully grasping it.)
You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139: 1-6 and 13-16
NEVER ALONE!!!
Very nice post, Catherine.
ReplyDeleteI've always felt in my gut that Cadence's birth mother did not plan on leaving her. Perhaps it's just a wishful thought, but it goes deeper than that. I get the strong feeling that Cadence was taken from her birthmother while she slept, and whisked away to where she was found...or possibly even taken to the police station by the birthfather or relative, saying they found her where she was found. I know that a man brought her to the police station stating he found her outside some gates. We went to her finding place while in China, and it was a bit eery. I can't say why I feel this way, but perhaps it's because the pictures I have of her, when she was found, at 4 days old, she was so alert and aware...I couldn't imagine any mother willingly parting with her. She was also not left with a note, which does not necessarily mean anything, but it makes me wonder if her birthmother was not prepared for her to be gone.
I also want to say that at 7 yrs old, we have actually discussed her story in depth. I have not told her yet that girls sometimes are left because they're girls. I just can't bring myself to tell her that. When she was 5 I was able to bring up the courage to tell her that she was living in an orphanage till she was 16 months old. But until then, I couldn't bring myself to say the word orphanage in front of her. It felt so cold. I had always told her that she was with her nanny till we could come get her. When I finally said the O word, she was fine with it. For her, at the time, it was just another word. We now discuss her story together with the word orphanage in the story. Sometimes the hang ups are ours, as their parents, we want to protect them from feeling sad or left. But the key is incorporating the story gradually but honestly. So that they always know what they need to know and nothing is ever a shock to them.
ReplyDeleteThank you Karen!
DeleteLike you I'm sharing with Hannah as she grows so that her story does not come as a complete shock to her but I must admit that right now I'm not talking about it quite as much as I did. (Earlier it was to help me learn to say the words more so than to share her story with her as she was too young to understand.)
She's kind of at an age now where she understands a lot more than she can verbalize. I'm concerned about saying things that might cause her distress but she isn't able to share that with me due to her age.
Even yesterday there was a small opportunity to share with her a bit of information so I took that. We were going through pictures and came across the ones taken with the camera sent to her orphanage while she was in China. She has yet to grasp (because at just turned 3 I haven't told her) that I was not there at the time. What I did say when there was a finger covering part of the lens in some of the pictures was that was her nanny's finger. Slowly introducing terms and words as it seems appropriate and opportunities arise.
Have you ever thought of searching for these answers for Hannah? I came across this blog a while back and follow along with their journey. Take a peek: http://american-family.org/finding-chinese-birthparents/
ReplyDeleteMay I just say, from someone that was abandoned as a child (not in the same way as Hannah), it hurts from deep down in the soul. I am glad she has someone so understanding and loving to walk with her down that path. Bless the both of you.
Mandy
I still vividly remember sitting on my couch with you as you shared her pictures with us before you received her. We both cried thinking about all that she had already been through in her young life. So much more to go through and so many more questions to come. Big hugs to you as you navigate all of this together.
ReplyDeleteYour post made me cry! You are so right. Our daughter's early beginnings are not "our ideal", but it is their life, and I know without shadow of doubt, that God had His hand on our girls, from conception til today. God is so good. His gift of our daughter overwhelms me everyday.
ReplyDeleteCatherine i am a grandmother to a wonderful little one from China, and the words you spoke are written all over my heart. I too worry about the day she will learn her past, and am also praying, trusting in God to bring her to all understandings that she will not have pain and troube with it. I know she is loved more than anything, and mammaw will do whatever i can to help her, so i understand how you feel. You are such a wonderful Mommy, and the main thing you need....YOU HAVE...your faith and trust in God. Hannah is growing up so fast, we are so blessed with our little ones. God Bless you and Hannah.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post Catherine. You know we are both experiencing very similar emotions right now. Every revelation Briana makes breaks my heart. But I do believe she will come out stronger because of it. Both of our girls are so brave and have amazing spirits!
ReplyDeleteGreat post Catherine. I'm going through similar thought process with Meigan, who is already asking questions, much to my surprise. (I thought I had more time!). She has asked several times where I was when she was in the orphanage. although my fave question was when she said "when I was a baby and someone took me to the orphanage, I didn't have any teeth right?. Who knew having no teeth would be the most interesting part of her story? :) Good thing about talking to children this young is that while Meigan grasp the facts (or some of them at least) she's too young to grasp the emotion behind the facts. I'm very comfortable talking to her about the orphange and her Chinese parents but I really struggle with the word "abandonment" and haven't used it with her yet.
DeleteAgain,great post. Very thought provoking.
Becky
Catherine, I know your heart in this matter. Although my girls stories are a bit different, STILL, there is much similarity. I can tell you that I have learned over the past few years that talking about it early has been a tremendous help in the revealing process. However, I cannot take credit for all of my talks, as most have been a result of my extremely inquisitive little gals! But I am thankful for that now b/c they are very secure in who they are and know their story as is age appropriate for now. It seems that each year I have to reveal a little more, but again, that is ok. They ask because they just want to know and put the pieces together...and I would too if I were them. I have told them that I will always tell them the truth and they can ask me anything. They take me up on this offer, often! I know that you will create the same for your Hannah.
ReplyDeleteYou will have seasons where you will talk about it a lot, and then some where you don't. I'm never hesitant to talk, and I will bring it up as I see fit...but I do take my cues from my girls.
The KEY for us, and for you is Jesus. We always point back to him. Honestly, I wouldn't know how to do it without Him. I would hurt so badly if I wasn't able to say, "Jesus was with you. He planned all your days before you were ever born. He knew that I would be your mommy. He kept you safe." I want them to know His love and that He chose them, He protects and He comforts. Not only when I wasn't with them, but all their days.
Catherine, I know your heart in this matter. Although my girls stories are a bit different, STILL, there is much similarity. I can tell you that I have learned over the past few years that talking about it early has been a tremendous help in the revealing process. However, I cannot take credit for all of my talks, as most have been a result of my extremely inquisitive little gals! But I am thankful for that now b/c they are very secure in who they are and know their story as is age appropriate for now. It seems that each year I have to reveal a little more, but again, that is ok. They ask because they just want to know and put the pieces together...and I would too if I were them. I have told them that I will always tell them the truth and they can ask me anything. They take me up on this offer, often! I know that you will create the same for your Hannah.
ReplyDeleteYou will have seasons where you will talk about it a lot, and then some where you don't.
The KEY for us, and for you is Jesus. We always point back to him. Honestly, I wouldn't know how to do it without Him. I would hurt so badly if I wasn't able to say, "Jesus was with you. He planned all your days before you were ever born. He knew that I would be your mommy. He kept you safe." I want them to know His love and that He chose them, He protects and He comforts. Not only when I wasn't with them, but all their days.
So beautiful! You are such a sweet, loving person. Hannah is so blessed to have you.
ReplyDeleteCatherine, the questions for Lily come in waves. Yesterday she said that a classmate had said to her that she must hate Mothers day as she doesn't know her real Mother. (Insert gasp from me) I asked her what she said and she told me she didn't bother answering her as it wasn't one of her friends and it wasn't any of her business but she did say that it is tough being adopted cos no one understands except her adopted friends. I asked her if they talk about it and she said that they don't cos they don't have to cos they just "get it". My heart hurts a lot today. I have a post ruminating about in my head about the the place where Lily is in her journey I just need to get it all sorted out. Thank you for sharing this. And thank you for sharing your heart.....always.
ReplyDeleteMuch love to you and Hannah.
Thank you for posting this. I guess I never stopped to think about it either. Funny thing is Jadalyn and I have been spending alot of time talking about the small green leaves growing on the trees in our yard. I ask her if she knows how they got there, and she tells me God is everywhere.
ReplyDeleteAmazing post my friend. This is the third time I've read it, and each time it makes me teary. I have no words.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. As we have have talked, I am curious about Nugget's past. We will never know the why, I only pray that when the time comes I will say the right things to help him process it ~ as he is ready.
You're right, they were never truely alone. I love that you said that. I needed to read that.
Beautiful and so very powerful to me. I have struggled with the "beginnings" of Jenny's life and all the unknowns. When I begin to step into all those unanswered questions I quickly turn away although I know I really need to understand and process all of it. Thank you my friend for posting this.
ReplyDelete