For years I had secretly (and sometimes not so secretly – sorry Norma!) thought that Mommy guilt was an option and one didn’t have to feel it. Hannah was in my arms for mere hours when I knew how wrong I’d been all those years. Mommy guilt comes with the title of Mommy. Sometimes it’s justified, other times it happens even when you do the right thing.
I still remember standing in our hotel room in Changsha having met Hannah only hours before, with her sleeping in my arms, feeling overwhelmed at all I had missed. I had missed the first 8 months, 5 days of Hannah’s life and I felt guilty that I hadn’t been there and that I had no virtually no knowledge of this time in her life with the exception of the treasured words contained within her referral information and a letter from the SWI Director when I’d sent a care package to her.
Could I change anything about this time? No. Was it out of my control? Yes. But still, the guilt was there full and strong. Guilt that I had already missed so much of her young life. I vowed then and there within my heart to make the most of every single moment we have together and treasure each aspect of the life we are blessed to share as mother and daughter!
This past Friday night, even though I still believe I did the right thing when the incident happened and I would do the exact same thing next time, I was once again overwhelmed with Mommy Guilt.
Scenario: One night two weeks ago (actually the night before we started car snacks and the night I realized I had to find some sort of solution to our meltdown challenge) I had put Hannah in her high chair while I finished making supper. I put her princess plate on her tray as I went to the stove to get her food. She didn’t know how to express her frustration of being hungry and supper not ready at that exact moment so she tossed her plate onto the floor. Unfortunately this time with the way it landed it broke and we had to throw it away. At 2 years old, Hannah is well aware that she cannot throw food, dishes, cutlery or sippy cups from her tray. If they accidentally fall (which happens on a daily basis) I don’t mind at all. Normally when they accidentally fall she’ll say ‘uh oh Mommy’ and I reassure her that it’s all ok and that accidents happen, pick them up and give them back then we go about our meal.
When she purposely pushes or throws things from her tray it’s a different story and she knows it. Our routine is that I silently remove everything from her tray (knowing that we’re normally just moments from the next item being tossed) and turn her high chair around so that she is facing the wall rather than me. I don’t leave the room but don’t engage with her for about 1-2 minutes. I normally walk a few feet away and either tidy the kitchen or do some dishes. Hannah may try calling out but when she’s in timeout I don’t interact with her. Once the couple of minutes have passed I go back to her, turn her around so that we’re facing one another, get down on her level and explain that she was in timeout because she threw something from her high chair. I ask for an apology and she’s normally very good about saying she’s sowwy and giving me a kiss and/or hug. Once the timeout is done it’s done and I don’t bring it up again. It’s been dealt with and it’s over.
(When not in her high chair, if we need to deal with a persistent problem we do ‘time ins.’ We sit together on the floor, both facing the wall with Hannah sitting in front of me. We do the same thing in that I look straight ahead and don’t make eye contact with her even though her adorable little face may twist around and try to catch my eye and the sweetest little ‘sowwy Mommy’ can be heard. Once the 1-2 mins. have elapsed she stands up and turns around and we’re now face to face. I explain why she was in timeout, ask her to say sorry and then with hugs and kisses it’s done. Once again, once our timeout is complete so is the problem. I don’t bring it up again.)
Fast forward to Friday night when I was getting ready to put supper on the table. Once again I put Hannah in her high chair and asked, ‘Hannah do you want to use your Mickey plate or Princess plate?’ I was shocked when I heard a quiet ‘Princess broken Mommy.’ I was surprised that she even remembered! I quickly and calmly agreed that yes her one princess plate was broken but that we had another little one that we could use.
This is the conversation that followed. You can almost see the wheels turning in her sweet little head.
Yes, Mommy guilt is inevitable and it’s yucky but it comes with being a Mommy which is the best job in the whole entire world….even on the hard days!!
